ethernight
good enough
May 27th, 2003 02:24 am
I don't know if this is normal, but when I turned 18, I felt like it was my
own private joke. Here I had this stamp of approval that I am officially an
Adult. Ha! I wasn't an adult. I was just the same person I'd always been.
Granted, that person had been more of an adult than most of the others for a
long time. But there were also all of the bits of me that were insecure and
immature, and didn't know the first thing about being a human being in this
world and none of those were the least bit different.

Overall, I've gotten used to the idea of being an adult. However I've gotten
flashes of that feeling from time to time over my life. Usually when I enter
a new situation - job, friends, something like that. Then it hits me... all
these people in my life think of me as just another person, just another
*adult*. Te he. I've sure got em fooled.

Sometimes though, lately specifically, I get a related, although less pleasant
feeling. Its more of a feeling of, maybe I've been wrong all this time. I
let myself be fooled into thinking that I was an adequate human being, a
capable adult, a competent individual... that I'm good enough. But really,
I'm not at all. I'm just a helpless frightened child. I don't really know
anything, and I have nothing to offer. And any minute now, I'm going to slip
up, and this elaborate farce that I've been holding together all this time to
trick everyone will fall apart.

It's an interesting feeling. First, my eyes shoot open to get as wide as they
go. My heart starts racing, and I feel kind of ill. If I'm laying in bed, as
I often am, sleep is out of the question. I usually try counting, breathing
slowly, and I don't know why. It never works. I usually end up taking some
Xanex.

It's usually just a brief and seldom flash. The feeling comes, I tell it to
go away, and it goes. Lately, it's been a constant.

So, now it's 2am, and now comes the part where I debate with myself whether I
should take some xanex, and either sleep for 14 hours or wake up on time but
be groggy and useless for most of the morning, or lie awake for hours and
hours then realize that sleep is just not going to happen without help, then
take some xanex.

*sigh*
mood: pensivepensive
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